Humour

Two female friends went out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk while walking home, they suddenly realized they really needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they piss behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home wearing even less than usual.
The next day the first woman's husband telephoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop! My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her arse that read, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'!


A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water, when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you, and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained...
"I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

A missionary goes out to work in Africa, and is doing very well converting the natives to Christianity and persuading them not to eat each other, but then he realises that he ought to also try and teach them to speak English. Progress is very slow, but at last he feels he's getting somewhere with the chief. He takes him on a walk through the jungle.
He points to a tree and says, 'This is a tree'.
'Tree', says the Chief.
'Very good' says the Missionary and then points to another object. 'This is a rock'
'Rock', came the reply.
He hears a rustle in the bushes and parting them, he finds a man and a woman having sex! Confused as to how to explain this in English, the Missionary says, 'Man riding his bike'. With that, the Chief whips out his blowpipe and shoots the native man dead!
'You can't do that!' exclaims the Missionary, seeing all his hard work coming undone. 'Why did you do that?!'
'Man  riding  MY  bike.' came the reply.

A guy goes into the chemist to buy some condoms.
“What size?” asks the clerk.
“I don’t know”, he replies.
The clerk says “Go and see Sophie in aisle 4
He goes over to see Sophie, who puts her hand down his pants to feel him. She yells out, “Medium!”
The guy is mortified. He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms and gets sent to Sophie. Seeing his bulge she can't wait to feel it, then yells out “Large!”. The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.
A highschool boy came in also wanting to buy condoms.
“What size?”.
Embarrassed, the kid says, “I’ve never done this before I don’t know what size”.
He gets sent to Sophie, she feels him up then pulls out her hand with a smile.
She yells out, "Kleenex needed in isle 4" 


One day, while waiting in line for the bus, a simple man turned to the man next to him to start a conversation. The simpleton saw the man was a vicar, so, now on his best behaviour, he said, 'I'm going home now. Hasn't it been a lovely day?" The vicar nodded kindly. Noticing the man's rather threadbare clothes, the vicar blessed him and wished him well.
"Yes" said the poor man. "I've got six kids. There isn't much money left for me at the end of the week. Have you got any children?"
"Son, I'm father to hundreds" said the vicar earnestly. The simpleton looked stunned and took a step backwards. "Well its not yer collar ya want on back to front! It's ya trousers!!"

At the end of the second world war, a tired serviceman and his friend were walking slowly back home through the villages they used to know before the outbreak. Not having been with a woman for so long it was going to be strange adjusting back to normal life again. Just then, an old lady cycled by. She stopped, and called out.
"Yoo hoo! Can I help either of you?"
One of the young men walked over to her and conversed for a while, then rejoined his friend.

"What does she want?"

"She's from the 'Women's Voluntary Service'

"What! At her age?! No thank you", he said. "I think I'd rather pay!" 

A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?' 
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' 
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'. 
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.


John borrowed a DVD from his mate entitled, 'Bald and Barely Legal'. Full of excitement when he got it home, he put the disc in the machine and sat there with his erect cock in his hand ready to wank himself silly, but when the film came on, he found out it was a Department of Transport short film about tyre tread depths!

A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window. He tells her to take off her trousers, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, checking for breast cancer".

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"

Sister: "Mother Superior, I have come to tell you that we have a new case of syphilis!!"
Mother Superior: "Oh thank the Lord, do you know I was getting really rather bored of the Beaujolais."


A couple were getting ready to go out, when the husband said, "I've gotta have you right here" and pushed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her knickers, and screwed her. When he'd finished, she was still standing against the bathroom door, wriggling. "So, you want it again do you, sexy minx?" asked the man. "No, I am just trying to get the door knob out of my arse", she replied.

A man with a terrible sore throat walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something to relieve it.
The pharmacist says, "Well, I could give you any number of things but they won't really do you much good. However, I can tell you what I do when I have a bad sore throat like you have."
"Really? What's that?" asks the man.
"I go straight home and have my wife give me a good blow job. I suggest you try that."

"Sounds great!" says the man, "Is your wife home now?"


Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."
"WHAT?!" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area. Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"

The doctor replies calmly, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I think you'll find I told your wife that she has Acute Angina."


A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.
"Yes we do," he replies. "Would you like to buy some?"
"No," says the woman, "but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

Two men are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's bum and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

A man comes home to his wife one evening with a lovely bunch of flowers and she says, "I suppose this means I have to lay on my back with my legs open for the next few days."
The husband says, "Why? Don't we have any vases?"


One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire." 
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off, and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."


Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
She winked at me and said, "Well, I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."


A man is in the queue at the supermarket and sees a gorgeous woman staring at him. At first he assumed she was looking at someone else, but then she started waving.
"Excuse me but do I know you?" he asked.
"Yes! I think you are the father of one of my kids" she said.
Ashen faced, the man thought back ... and remembered the one and only time he was unfaithful!
"Bloody hell! Are you the girl I shagged on my stag night and then you whipped my arse while another mate stuck a dildo up you?"
"Er, no," she replied, "I'm your son's English teacher."


A little boy walks into his parents room and sees his mum on top of his dad, bouncing up and down. Embarrassed, mum quickly dismounts, and looks worried about what her son has seen.
"What were you and daddy doing?"
She replies, "Well ... you know that daddy has a big tummy? Sometimes I have to get on top of it to help him flatten it."
"Oh", says the boy. "You're wasting your time."
"Why is that?" asks his mum, puzzled.
"That won't work, because when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again."


A very old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her that she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week.
She said to the doctor: "Please can you tell my husband." The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week. The 80 year old husband replies: "Which days?" The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday?" The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."


A boy takes his girlfriend home late after going out together to the pictures. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, I'd love a blowjob."
"What?" she replies. "Are you crazy!?"
"Don't worry, you're really fast, it won't be a problem!"
"No!! Someone may see us! Mum or dad, my little sister or one of the neighbours or someone passing by, anyone..."
"What At this time of night?! No one will see us honey..."
She insistantly says, "Look, I've said NO."
He pleads one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."
At that moment, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes. "Message from dad. He says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and do it himself, but please can you tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button as we're all trying to sleep!"


An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the Madam he would like a young lady for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says proudly.
"90?!" replies the woman, amazed. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh. Have I?" queries the old man, looking crestfallen. "How much do I owe you then?"


A man has been stranded on a desert island for 10 years, when one day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit, looking for shells...
Man: "Hello! I am so happy to see you!!"
Girl: "Hi. It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!" (With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and hands the man a packet of cigarettes). "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So, tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!" (The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whisky and gives the man a drink). "Thank you so much! You are like a miracle!"
Girl:  "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
(starting to slowly unzip the front of her wet suit).
Man: "Oh, my God!" said the man ecstatically. "Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too have you?!"


My girlfriend was in labour with our first child. She was shouting and in terrible pain, saying "get this out of me! Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you bastard!" and I'm afraid I had to reply, "If you would care to remember dear, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said that would be too painful."


An old man went to visit his doctor to check his sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was completely empty. The doctor asked, "What happened?" and the man explained. "Well doctor, it was like this. First, I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, but still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even asked the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but it was no use." The doctor was amazed! "You asked your neighbour?" "Yes. No matter what we tried, we couldn't get the lid off."


A blonde women dropped off her blouse at the dry cleaners. As she got to the door, the assistant called out after her, "Come again!". The blonde stopped, and turning round said with a little annoyance, "No actually, its toothpaste this time".

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a gorgeous busty blonde nurse standing over my bed. She said to me, "You may not feel anything below the waist I'm afraid."
"That's fair enough" I replied, and had a feel of her boobs.