Web Log Entries 1

Monday February 22nd, 2010   -   'Top idiots of 2008'

(1) Idiot Number One - I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

(2) Idiot Number Two - Early that year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

(3) Idiot Number Three - A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in tis bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

(4) Idiot Number Four - A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

(5) Idiot Number Five - A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

(6) Idiot Number Six - Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

(7) Idiot Number Seven - I live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega, Wisconsin). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

STAY ALERT! They walk amongst us ... and they can REPRODUCE! lol

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Sunday February 7th, 2010
   -   'Funnies'

Two Albanian bank robbers have won the darkly humorous 'Darwin Award' for 2009, after killing themselves while trying to blast open a cash machine in Belgium. This annual award goes to those doing the most to improve the human gene pool by removing themselves from it. The robbers had packed large quantities of dynamite around the ATM machine, as well as pumping gas through the letter box, in an attempt to make the explosion even more powerful. It worked, and detonated fantastically, but they failed to take into account any sort of a safe distance where they ought to stand! ... 2009's runner up award, goes to an American man who found himself stuck in very slow moving traffic, and caught short after a number of beers at a local bar. Probably due to having had a few too many, he was unaware where the jam was situated. He parked up, and quickly jumped over a low wall in order to look for somewhere private with the intention of relieving himself, but failing to spot that he was on a bridge! He plunged 65 feet to his death. And in third place, was another American, a woman who had to be saved after driving her moped past a warning sign for a flooded river. A police officer braved the torrent to rescue her, only for her to run back into the river again after her moped, and drown. The Darwin awards are bestowed posthumously.

Reasons why people have dialled 999 ... One woman rang because her partner had hidden the remote controller and she couldn't watch Eastenders; another called the police because she didn't have £1 to put in the trolley at the supermarket so she could do her shopping; one man wanted police to remove his mother in law who had been staying at his house for 18 days. One woman called because she wanted them to arrest her boyfriend who had put her hamster out in the rain, and another woman didn't know how to look after her new kitten.

And this story, first reported in 1982 ... A man who had been disqualified from the US Air Force due to poor eyesight (and an even poorer IQ I suspect) decided to rig up his sun lounger to some weather balloons, with the idea of hovering over his house and seeing his neighbourhood from a different angle while sunbathing, (clearly his ambition to be a pilot had still not subsided). He'd got hold of 45 weather balloons, each filled with helium from the army surplus store and the balloons were 4 feet across. He tied the chair to a long line of rope, which was tied to his jeep. He filled water balloons for ballast and loaded his airgun to shoot the gas filled ones to come down again. He also had with him a two way radio, a Timex watch, a six pack of beer and some sandwiches and then tied himself to the chair. He slowly payed out the rope to 30 feet, but within seconds of relaxing his grasp it was 100 feet as he couldn't tie a decent knot to the jeep either, then rose rapidly to 1000 feet, before levelling off at 11,000 feet! For 14 hours he floated high above Los Angeles, bringing downtown traffic to a standstill as people started looking up and taking notice, as did various stunned pilots of large commercial aircraft, who, from the safety of their cockpit window could not believe they were seeing a man on a sunbed drinking beer and eating a sandwich as they flew by! He got too frightened to use his gun on the balloons in case he destabilised his 'craft' so there he floated, freezing cold until he drifted into the Los Angeles primary approach corridor for the international airport. A pilot radioed in that he had just passed a man on a garden chair brandishing a gun, and radar confirmed that was correct, but not expected. A helicopter was scrambled, but as night fell, Mr Walters started to be blown out to sea by the offshore winds. The wind from the helicopter blades then blew him further out, so they positioned themselves above him at a height of a few hundred feet and then lowered a rope down to him which he grabbed. They towed him back to safety and then arrested him for invading International Airport airspace! It cost Mr Walters, who has now abandoned his flying dreams, $1000, but the fine was only because he failed to keep in touch with the control tower and 'flew in a reckless manner' too close to the airport! Still he did better than one man in 1996 who killed himself when he strapped a solid fuel rocket to his back, normally used to assist heavy military transport aircraft get airborne from short runways. He embedded himself into a cliff face.

Complaints to the Council ~ (Extracts from letters sent to councils and housing associations throughout the UK)

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. … and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50 percent of the walls are damp, 50 percent have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
9. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
10. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
11. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
12. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
13. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
14. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
15. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
16. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
17. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
18. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
19. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.
20. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
21. ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
22. ... it’s his excuse for dogs’ mess that I find hard to swallow.

Court Quotes. They really said them!

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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Saturday January 30th, 2010
   -   'Scouting for girls'

When I started this club, or rather, took it over by accident from Tom (see first Blog entry), it didn't occur to me that later on down the line, all of the many thousands of girls employed by Escort agencies would be barred from me, when I approached them to book a party. I thought that if you could meet the price they asked per hour/evening, or Overnight fee, you could pick the ones you wanted, and they'd turn up as requested. Not so. I'm now in the position whereby I have enough members here to guarantee payment of the top girls, and put on a party regularly each month for you, and the girl, but now find that the agencies do not supply any girls to a group of guys. They automatically assume that a group of guys are not to be trusted, that the booking has been done on the spur of the moment with dutch courage, a quick whip round of the inside of our wallets and it would be a drunken stag night, not a well organised club, and their girls would be molested or worse. Very dispiriting.

When I find a girl, I set about Booking her, and then announce the party, booking you guys in over three weeks, to take enough to cover her fees and pay the venue fee. I make very little or no profit. But anything can happen to the girl in that time. I've had girls that I have booked who are looking forward to coming, fall ill, get pregnant, have their period, have surgery, or decide it is too far away even though I do the driving. None of this I have control over or have a crystal ball to predict. Lining up a replacement at the last minute is probably not going to be possible as I cannot rely on an agency to send a stand in at the last moment - though I am still searching for one who will.

Due to the nature of it being a gangbang club, very few girls are into this. Two of the previous girls I've had along, had never done a gangbang and were taken as much by the venue and whole experience, as the work. Novices they might have been, but they were excellent and they loved it too! But as I've now found, virtually no girls can be found from ANY of the agencies who do gangbangs/parties of any sort, yet I think they would if they were independent and in charge of their own destinies. You don't get to talk to the girls but their bosses and their reasons are many and varied. Usually they are not interested when they find the venue is not a hotel in London, but once they know it is for a booking of 4/5 hours the conversation lasts a bit longer. But then they say they have no girls who do parties, or do not send any girl on their own to a group of guys as it would be 'unsafe' which shows their inexperience regarding men at parties. One girl one man, two girls, two men. Two girls would be sent if at all, doubling your door fee to pay for them, and would be around £150 each person. Some entertain the idea of their girl coming to a party on their own, then say each person is charged that amount. i.e. £600 for her time of 4 hours, EACH PERSON! Another factor is that some will charge me for their travel, even though I can drive them as I'm going from London, but then they won't get into the car with a stranger! Many only do Incalls. Also, hiring a girl from an Agency carries the risk that there will be NO sex. You pay for 'companionship' and they have a get out clause that you 'pay for her time only'. So, there is no guarantee of sex, and according to their terms they do not have to give it either.

But, I relish a challenge and never give up and am still prepared to spend the hours it takes to put these on. Tom (the person I took over from, (see first Blog)), called it quits after 3 parties, and he didn't continually have to find a new girl each time, doing them as he did with Lucy which was a whole lot easier, relatively speaking.

In the true British spirit of battling on through adversity, obstinate in the face of all obstacles, I shall carry on regardless! : )

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Friday January 8th, 2010
   -   'Back with a bang!'

Welcome back everyone and a Happy New Year to you! The parties continue, with a better idea of what works and what does not, for 2010.

January's musings on an alternative sort of night club ...

And so it was, that I found myself propped up against the bar, sipping tomato juice in my local Liquid nightclub, watching the teenage girls. They were happily jigging around, but I was getting increasingly exasperated at the lack of things to do. To even get inside, I'd had to surrender my cowboy hat so that CCTV could recognise my face or make sure I'd not got a bomb under it, and once up the stairs and into the arena, your choice was either dance or drink, neither of which I do. It was so dull and safe that I was soon bored and certainly would have been as a teenager had I ever gone! My preferred brand of entertainment at that tender age was the likes of heavy metal band WASP who had naked women writhing in cages onstage, buzz saws that showered sparks, exploding cod pieces and raw meat catapulted into the audience (another act, 'Thor', used to blow up and burst hot water bottles onstage through sheer lung capacity alone), amongst other side attractions they had while blasting out their music, along with a tour bus that had, 'Liquor in the front ~ poker in the rear' emblazoned across the front lol, which all seemed great fun when you're 14 lol. The situation in Liquid was ironic, as I'm never bored and this was supposed to be a fun night out in a nightclub. I could see one source of entertainment would be to take a girl there and get her to give blowjobs to all the other bored guys standing about watching the girls dancing, up in the men's room until we were thrown out; but the girls I could see were just interested in dancing till fatigue or dehydration set in or they'd jealously trampled on their friend's posher handbag or thronged en-masse to the Ladies and back.

There would be public outrage and column inches in the local rag at my ideas of a nightclub I expect, and I doubt it would survive a week, but I went around the building, mentally putting in place things that I'd like to see ... Hydraulic poles with a circular platform around it. As the dancer steps on to the circle, it then lifts her 6 foot into the air to gyrate upon. Topless waitresses on rollerblades who skate around a roped-off circular track on the edge of a round dance floor, paths radiating off that like the spokes of a wheel, leading to tables and chairs. They bring you drinks quickly and no queuing at the bar, after you submit your table number and drinks order by filling in a form and putting it into the goods waggon of one of the passing miniature electric trains that runs around the perimeter. Pinball machines and retro arcade games like Pac Man and Space Invaders that were free to use. An area for female mud wrestling, the occasional stripper on a small stage and the ceiling could show the current night sky and the constellations picked out in Vari-Lights that changed as the earth spins around in the heavens each month. Something decent to eat so that you don't have to trawl the mobile vans afterwards and a real choice of drinks. As a matter of principle I always ask for a V8 knowing full well they won't have it, but that's the annoying sod I am as in California they have juice bars where you can choose your own vegetable and fruit ingredients to mix up. Classic songs of all types would be played, from pop to rock, metal, reggae and jazz, so long as it was good and the best of the modern. Pool and snooker tables and a large slot car circuit where you only race if you bring your own car, and maybe a gloryhole too, with security provided by the local Hell's Angels chapter!

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Thursday November 19th, 2009
   -   'Too many tricks, not enough treats'

Perhaps typically for Halloween night, the evening began with an ill-omen. Arriving about 3 hours later than I'd hoped, from spending half the night and morning, ripping and burning, sourcing and selecting suitably creepy tracks from my CD collection, Amazon and iTunes, I arrived to find part of the ceiling had fallen in! The drippity self defrosting fridge from the level above had got to work on the plaster, from just two days before when I was there cleaning the rooms out, when it had just been an inconvenient occasional drip onto the floor, it now lay there as a soggy white mess!

Some of the things that happened that night I'll have keep to myself until time passes and I can put it in here, but I wasn't happy with the girl who's party it really was, who had to cancel it, once again only giving me 24 hours notice beforehand. I wasn't to know she was going to get pregnant that month, and seemingly, neither did she! I know that her excuse was genuine and not a fabrication, so that helps. I felt sorry for her and about the abortion too, but the situation meant that I struggled to find a suitable replacement at such short notice and with the advance money I'd got - due to it being a low price for an amateur girl. Thank heavens there was someone, but she wasn't my choice, not up to my standards and much older than I promise in my text and I don't like to deceive. She was enthusiastic certainly, but it wasn't a sex party I'd like to put my name to, so things have been quiet as I re-evaluate how I stage these things, if at all, and think it all through for the future.

For those not there, I'll set the scene. (Outside on the back lawn) ...

I'd picked up a theatrical headstone with RIP written on it and lit that each side with flaming garden torches and put that at the top of the garden path. Two large pumpkins glowed bright orange, one at the foot of a dead tree by the entrance and I'd hung a metal pumpkin lantern, flickering from one of the bare bleached branches. I opened the large wooden door and replaced the light bulbs downstairs with red ones to give a menacing glow and set the table with a towelled stars and moon cloth. Upon that, was a skull, two lit skull candles placed at each end, and in a Chinese bronze bowl on a wooden stand at the front of the table, some sweets. A broomstick stood against the wall, a rubber spider dutifully hung down in the doorway to the toilet, incense smoked and 5 orange candles flickered on a black stand behind me. Presently enough, a group of Trick or Treaters came by; 6 or 7 girls dressed very convincingly as little witches walked up slowly past the blazing torches and pumpkins and then stood there, stationary. "Hello" I called out from behind the desk, smiling helpfully. They stood there transfixed. I was dressed as a monk, complete with cowl and cord around my waist (the hunchback I originally wanted was out lol) but with all the last minute arrangements, I had quickly got used to and forgotten about my new attire and all felt normal to me! (Pocket-less, it was often a most irritating outfit, but then monks don't carry mobile phones, nor need much ready cash or cigarette lighters; and to run up n down the stairs I had to hitch the thing up like a skirt!). So the effect of me standing there beckoning them in like that, was probably too much for their sensibilities. "You can come in, I've got sweets for you here". Still they stood there mesmerised. Later, I realised I must have seemed to them as appealing as the child catcher, played so brilliantly by the ballet dancer Robert Helpmann in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. 'Lolleee Pops! Eyescreeeem! Treeeecle tart ...' you can still hear him in your head can't you if you watched it at a certain age lol. They didn't move and just looked at me. The red glow I was bathed in probably appeared to them like the mouth of hell. "No, I ... don't think we ought to" called out mum from the background, rather warily. At her age she shouldn't have been scared I thought lol. "But I've got sweeties here especially for them" I said, anxious to get on, looking at my watch and mentally going through the 101 things to do still. But what I discovered later from trusty helper and fellow naughty man Dan on the door, was that unbeknownst to me, mum, standing further back than the girls, was getting the full benefit of a venue with no curtains! In the kitchen, on the floor directly above my reception area and open doorway with frightened girls, and illuminated by a glaring ceiling spotlight, was a cock, bobbing about, attached obviously to a party goer, interested in giving his sack of candy to the woman in the top room! He had come down in his party clothes in search of some refreshment and was now in full view of anyone outside, beyond the threshold of the door! I'm just so grateful the girls I was addressing, and trying my best to coax in and give sweets to, couldn't see that! After I think the third time of asking, nay imploring, as one they shuffled in nervously, neither looking at me or at their surroundings but mostly at their feet, they grabbed the sweets and left hurriedly. It comes to something when you have to persuade children to have free sweets! Poor things, I think they were so scared! The girls too terrified to come in, yet mum not wanting to leave for missing the free peep show upstairs! Well none of them will forget that for as long as they live and I reckon I outdid the efforts of my neighbours and childhood memories of the Californian Halloweens I had! There was nothing like that, but then a 150 foot tall Gothic tower can't be matched.

I'd have probably enjoyed a whole evening of Trick or Treaters more than the middle aged woman upstairs, who really wasn't my type or clearly some of yours either, but I am most grateful to those who helped kick off the evening and stayed until she decided to leave an hour early with an elderly gentleman bearing flowers who had staggered up the stairs at 10.00 p.m. lol. And in spite of my best efforts, party girlie asked if there wasn't anything more romantic to listen to! I thought 'Zombie Stomp', 'Devil's Daughter', 'Bark at the Moon' and 'Waiting for Darkness' by Ozzy Osbourne, 'Dancing on your Grave' and 'Ace of Spades' by Motorhead, 'Teenage Frankenstein' and 'Welcome To My Nightmare' by Alice Cooper, 'Hell's Bells' by AC/DC and many others, were most appropriate! It was Halloween night! haha. That's like going to see a horror movie and coming out complaining, 'well I don't think that was very funny' lol! Hmm, I think Halloween was a bit lost on her, even though I've heard it is a big thing in Poland! I just hoped that as I waved goodbye to the old man who left with her on his arm, (after a romantic splosh in the hot tub together), for his sake he wasn't wealthy or she'd have worn his heart out before the next party!

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Monday October 19th, 2009   -  
'Dick or Teat!'


I've been going to this venue for 10 years and always hoped someone would put on a Halloween party but there hasn't been one; so, as they say, if you want something doing properly, you have to do it yourself. Girls keep asking me, 'Oooh, is it haunted? It looks spooky!' even in photos of it in brilliant daylight, so I can honestly say you won't ever go to a more suitable venue. I've spent a small fortune on candles, lanterns, pumpkins, and other associated Halloweeny things to make it special, and there's a fair chance this will be the only one done here, as in a year's time, many things might have changed to prevent me holding more there.

I started running these parties towards the end of July, and as they've continued to be held at the end of the month, a Halloween special was always going to be on the cards. The fact that this year, Halloween happens to fall on the Saturday, is a pleasing coincidence. As a boy, I was lucky enough to experience two Halloweens in America, aged between 7 and 9 in the 1970's. I well remember pumpkin fields and piles of them at roadsides, pumpkin pie that a neighbour brought around to 'those funny English folks' and how much the adults encouraged us in all things, as children. You got a half day at school, and then all the children would come back in the afternoon dressed up in whatever costume they would be wearing later on, along with some prizes for the scariest outfit given out by judges. Then as dusk fell, I and two friends would roam the streets for miles, safely on our own, unaccompanied by any adult, knocking on as many doors strange doors as we could, without fear of anything happening to us. It is perverse though, that for one night of the year, adults send out a message to children totally contrary to all the safety rules, and not only were we out on our own in the dark minus any reflective clothing, but talking to strangers AND taking sweets from them. How did we survive? lol. We used to collect so much candy it would last us for weeks and we'd have to go back home at intervals to unload, and even the fire station gave us McDonald's vouchers which I know I thought at the time, was very generous of them. That they'd stop work to greet and attend to three small boys (and many others intermittently during the evening) who were looking at their fire trucks in the yard, was the American way, and I feel privileged to have spent a short time there then. And likewise, my folks entered into the spirit of it, so much so that kids still remembered what they did with delight come the next year ~ self opening front door, a dress maker's manikin clothed as a witch and an owl lantern flickering in the courtyard (now to be seen at my parties). Everyone got involved, which is not always how us Brits do things, so I'm glad I experienced it as it is intended. Essentially it is for children, but in England we have traditionally had Halloween parties for adults, and this takes it a step further, as the emphasis is on adult. Actually, this is more of a fancy undress party, more dick and teat than 'Trick or Treat' ; )
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Monday October 5th, 2009
   -   'The Case of the Missing Escort'   -  (Carry On Up The Castle, and other party logistics).

I think if I was an escort, I might call myself Lady Smith. As well as being totally anonymous, there's a bit of double entendre in that 'The Relief of Ladysmith' was a battle during the Boer War, when the British Army lifted a siege in 1900. This suitably sniggery pseudonym came to me in a moment of inspiration whilst watching the original 1960's black and white film, 'The League of Gentlemen' recently, where a group of men decide to rob a bank and are finally foiled by the unforeseen actions of a small boy. If you watch it, its a good fun movie and look out for a very gay Oliver Reed who surely is the least likely contender for the role! The group of men are undone by the actions of another at the last moment, which brings me to the case of the missing party girl for September. Late Friday night I received a phone call ...
"Hello, its Eva"
"Hey how are things going?"
"I'm on."
"Great! Yup so am I, all ready for tomorrow!"
"No, I'm On. My period."
"Ah."

This was something I'd had a premonition about 4 days earlier and figured I needed a back up plan, so I called another agency in an attempt to salvage the day, and they sent round a replacement for the party at more or less the agreed time after their SatNav battled with the Kent countryside. Only trouble was, without being able to take advance payments via my PO Box due to the Royal Mail deciding they'd rather keep hold of the mail instead of delivering it, I had nothing to pay her with, and she asked to be paid before the party commenced. Looking around at how few guys had arrived at that point, she wrongly assumed no more were coming, turned on her heel and left with her driver! Had she stayed and done the party, I could have met her asking fee by the end and it would have gone ahead. And had all those who said they were coming actually turned up at the time, it still would have been saved. So, the party stands or falls based upon the actions of everyone, and try as I might, its still a knife edge thing to put on and only works if people keep their word. Its actually easier to book a girl at the last moment, as then they know what they are doing, whether they are ON or not or if they've a cold coming, but that's no good to me or you, as I need about 3 weeks to gather everyone together. Anyway, that's a bit of background to organising these things and why September's girl went AWOL. Twice! lol. So I have to say now, as with all the best get out clauses, that, 'I reserve the right to change the girl at the last moment. Past performance of girls is not an indication of future performance. The value of girls or income to them may go down as well as up.' lol You will get back the amount you invested, if no girl arrives, so its more fun and a better gamble than the Stock market! And they will go down when they do turn up, so that's something!

Now onto Halloween and a festival I remember fondly from being a small boy in California, when I had the very rare privilege of being there for two Halloweens at that special age, when you watched the sky for witches on broomsticks and that old house in the neighbourhood really was haunted that night. I hope it will be just about the best Halloween party you'll ever go to.

I find it very hard to be politically correct and generally don't like being told what to do. As a boy, I was so naughty that the number of Bretts went from zero to about 4 in the small village I lived in, after 'mums to be' heard my name being yelled for a variety of misdemeanours and thought, 'what a nice name, shame about the kid' I expect lol. I managed to kick the dentist in the balls for trying to gas me to extract a black front tooth after falling out of the top bunk bed; held my own private monologue to distract myself during a very dull church service aged 4, which culminated in me saying in a very loud voice in a gap in the vicar's rambling sermon, 'well that was a load of rubbish' which evidently amused all those around me sitting with numb bums on their wooden pew. I've probably been cursed by the good Lord since, as its not been a very easy life, but to this day I guess I'm still an amusing side attraction or distraction to the tediousness of life and I do my best to lighten it all up for everyone, just as my heroes did for me in the colourful wonderful world of heavy metal in the 1980's. Ozzy Osbourne onstage biting the head off a rubber bat which wasn't and having a week of rabies shots, snorting a line of ants, flashing onstage, porn stars dating rock stars and the excesses of drink and drugs or the antics of Motley Crue which were so mind boggling that people who didn't even like the band bought their book, 'The Dirt', to read about them, were always going to go down well with me! My ex left me saying that life with me would probably be too much fun. Its also because I'm dyslexic and struggled to understand half of what was going on around me anyway - as George Bush ably demonstrated! I mean, on those juice cartons where it says, 'shake well before use'? For how long you had to shake it before you wanted to use it, it didn't state, and something that puzzled me for years was in the House of Commons when they announce, 'AYES to the right and NOES to the left'. It was only recently that I stopped trying to see those looking to the right, and those who were voting with their nose pointed to the left. I wondered who was counting those that looked whichever way it was, as I could'n't see anyone looking in any direction at all, and it seemed a very obtuse way of arriving at a result! lol.
With this altered grasp of life, things sometimes baffle me, but it does give me a different angle on the world and lateral thinking comes easily to me so I can spot things others miss and problem solve. In the supermarket the other day I couldn't help but start laughing when, upon picking up a bottle of salad dressing, it said, 'toss into your salad'. Now I don't know about you, but shaking vigorously and then tossing into my salad doesn't sound very appealing, but as it was a French dressing, perhaps this is a European custom which has yet catch on here, but who knows, some girls might like it. lol. Those filthy French. A few aisles further down they're sending us a desert to buy called Tarte au Citron, but this does sound more appealing. Eating a French tart in a Citroen, parked alongside those infamous dunes at the Cap d'Agde sounds way better than being in Tesco's any day of the week, and if its a Citroen van I guess it would be Coq au Van which is another dodgy dish to my mind. And then at the fruit selection, its all I can do not to put a load of apples in a bag and wave them at an attractive female shopper asking, 'And how many Cox do YOU like?' and wink at her, before she looks shocked and finds the next aisle, or hold up a cherry and ask her if she's lost it lol. And when I see ATM on my bank statement I think that means Ass to Mouth. I blame Rocco Siffredi! And if I wasn't Lady Smith? Another girl's name and something fun to eat along with innuendo? I'd be Cherry. Cherry Tart. 
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Thursday September 3rd, 2009   -   'Post party reflections'

Wow, Karen's party all went by in a flash, even at 6 hours long! Some aspects of it could have gone better, but with hindsight and some analysis, I think the problems can be ironed out. Its a learning curve and only my second one but its a shame you can't take the escorts for a test drive beforehand to know what they are like - and to see if I can 'afford' escort, to continue the car joke! Those of you who want to come again, you know where it is now and I look forward to the next event also, as at the time of writing, I haven't a clue who it is to be either! Update from Karen, bless her, no wonder she was a bit out of sorts and lacking her usual sparkle, she went down with a cold right after the party so she wasn't at her best, but says she had a great time and thanked everyone for coming lol.

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Monday August 3rd, 2009   -   'Praise indeed'

Thanks for the Bookings and payments that are starting to arrive, as I do live a bit on edge with this until I've got enough to cover each girl.

And thanks too for this feedback ... gives me the encouragement to keep going and do more for us all : )

'So to Brett and the other guys who helped out: thanks for the impeccable organisation. Directions were perfect, setting was more than worth the trip, you guys were friendly and relaxed.' Cheers W (all the way from Belgium!), yes was a fun afternoon, but the coming ones will rock! : )

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Sunday July 26th, 2009   -   'Thank you Lucy!'   (Sunday night, post party).

Hey, that was a blast! Thank you Lucy and to everyone who made it along this afternoon! It was good to see you, even if I can't remember too many names still lol! Not quite as many as I'd hoped for, but I'm working on that. You guys now know where it is, so you're first in the queue for the next. I'll start organising the longer version Saturday night gangbangs for the end of August with a lovely tall blonde woman by the name of Karen.

Lucy will return later in the winter at some point as she loved it! haha. Aww, bless her, ain't she cutie! lol She would happily have many more men next time and it would be for the whole evening, 6 till midnight, as the afternoon went too quickly.

Cheers guys! The first of many, and the music will rock too when I can burn up some CD's. Yes, the chorus of, 'you've all been invited to a sex party' by the Quireboys was my style of DJ'ing lol.

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Saturday July 25th, 2009   -   'One day to launch!'

As of today, I've got confirmation from the Post Office, that I have a P.O. Box number! I can now organise these parties properly, with food and drink too, (though that isn't my department, I just supply funds) and more guys.

This should make it much easier to know the numbers of people attending, as guests send their contribution to me in advance. Tom's busted a gut to organise parties in the past and had only 1 man turn up on the day. It also guarantees payment of the party girl, as I have to be able to meet her fee in advance.

See you all tomorrow!

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Friday July 24th, 2009   -   'Lunie Landings'

Watching the footage of our first tentative, almost infant-like steps onto the surface of the moon on television the other night, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like, if it had taken place today, the year 2009. Would America have enough spare money to actually run a space programme or would it be a collective effort on the part of all the nations of the world, putting something into the pot in proportion to their GDP. It would of course mean an awful lot of flags would have to be taken and planted and would require either a trailer being towed behind the Lunar Module to accommodate them all, or several trips just to achieve that, and then the next year another craft would be sent to tidy up and recycle them as we'd be polluting space and someone would have realised they won't biodegrade up there. Or perhaps the landing craft would be covered in corporate sponsor logos like a rally car. 'This vehicle is sponsored by Coca Cola' - "Coke Adds Life" (except on the surface of the moon, subject to further investigation) as a disclaimer. And a sticker on the back asking 'Is this astronaut driving responsibly?' or 'Astronaut on board' with a nodding dog in the window. But I can see perhaps McDonalds being able to afford a large slice of the programme, and the brave astronaut would be required to risk his life to go out into a hostile environment to plant the golden arches flag and a sign to announce to anyone passing by that this world would have the first fly-thru hamburger outlet before very long, ending with 'have a nice day'. Much of the craft and rocket would also have to be made from recycled materials and part made by children in Bangladesh or a group of eco warriors, and the carbon footprint from the rockets would probably prohibit it ever leaving earth's atmosphere, and we'd have to be shown a simulation or artist's impression done on a computer, a virtual moon landing and an episode of The Clangers. But if we did make it, really went there, think of all the extra hazards. Space is dangerous! There would be a health and safety notice over the exit reading, 'caution, uneven surface' or 'may contain nuts, do not eat moon'. 'Do not remove helmet, choking hazard' and 'mind your step' on the last rung down. Or it would be followed online and you could vote off the one you didn't like and leave him behind on the moon. And if they made it back, after planting all of those flags? Quite likely the spacemen, correction, 'spacepersons', would be sent off for long sessions of counselling to cope with post traumatic stress, whether they needed it or not, and to cope with the new world and a new fashion as it would all have changed after 4 days of being away. It would of course have been piloted by a multicultural crew, a dog with a disability and a child asking "Are we nearly there yet?"

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Thursday July 23rd, 2009   -   'Frazzled brain'

Or even frazzled brian which I almost wrote as the title lol. Yes folks, its official, organising these parties fries your brain and I can utterly sympathise with Tom in throwing in the towel lol. Earlier tonight, I found myself contemplating a Chinese Takeaway menu. The front said 'Wok's Gokkun', and a millisecond's processing later I'm thinking to myself, 'What?! It can't say that!' and sure enough it didn't, but instead, 'Wok's Cookin' as in 'what's cooking'. Quite apparent now, but to a sleepy brain full of gangbangs and bukkake, Gokkun seemed entirely appropriate lol. Those naughty Japanese! Bukkake has now become an international word (I wonder when it will appear in the dictionary!) but for those who don't yet know what Gokkun means, its the sort of girl we all like; one who swallows. While chuckling to myself over that, and thinking about whatever else was in my head, I then looked at the back of the menu, now on the table, from a distance. Now, whether I need glasses or not I don't know, but I could see 'Rabbit'. "Oh, I like rabbit, haven't had that in ages" I think to myself and look at the next dish. "Pig, hmm, maybe". Then, Snake! "Oh yuk! These Chinese eat anything! I'm adventurous but not quite that hungry", and then I see Dog and Rat!! Of course, its the Chinese Horoscope not the menu, but it can confuse a stupid person. Come back Tom, all is forgiven! Now then, where was I, one portion of fried brian I think.

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Thursday July 16th, 2009     'Under new management'     ('Gangbangs_brum' now called 'Southeast Gangbangs').

Hello and thank you for your interest in attending Lucy's gangbang, I am Brett, a friend of Tom and Lucy's. His last Blog entry (on his old Adultwork page) explains who I am, and that I am now going to run his 'gangbangs_brum' events in future, though as it is in Kent, I've changed the name to 'Southeast Gangbangs'.
(Editor's note: Then later, 'Kent Events', now static as, 'The UK Gangbang Club').

I am very sorry to have to inform you that Tom and Lucy have now split up. Tom won't be running any more gangbangs. Lucy has telephoned the venue to explain she will still be coming though, as she has an obligation to her fans and doesn't want to disappoint anyone. Yes, it came as a shock to me too and sadness, as I was going to be co-hosting the party with them and met them both a couple of weeks ago at the venue for a trial run. I was the person who had approached them with the venue for this. Lucy's party has been set for various different dates and times, but I am pleased to be able to state that it is now set for: Sunday July 26th, but now at the later time of 4.00 p.m. so please start to arrive at the venue no earlier than 3.30. I do not agree with changing times or dates when they have been set, as it just messes everyone about, but this is outside my control this time.

I am also trying to set up a monthly gangbang club at this venue, so keep your eyes open for future events and gangbang girls. They will always be aged under 30, swallow for all and will be attractive and with just one girl and a room full of men. The price will be kept low and they will be regularly held in the evenings until midnight on Saturdays. I will send details about this to you, if this is of interest.

Tom has kindly surrendered his Adultwork webpage for me to use, and to try and let you all know in time. I have never booked any girl or been on the receiving end of bookings so I don't know how the system works and I don't have much time now to sort this out. Please would you therefore provide your email address or write to me at the GMX email.

Please be patient and do not send me too many enquiries as this was what overburdened Tom. The organising of these things is a challenge, and I also have to write many time consuming invitations to girls to see if they wish to come, along with other organisational details that I won't bore you with, but will explain as we go along.
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Wednesday July 8th, 2009   -   'Welcome Brett, and our goodbyes from Tom and Lucy'  (Taken from, and originally written in Tom's Adultwork page)

I, Tom, (and Lucy) creator, and owners of everything previously written on our profile ('gangbangs_brum') are sad to say that we won't be organising any more gangbangs as I don't want the hassle of it all, so a new guy by the name of Brett will take over from this point onwards. Please give him a chance to get up to speed. He was to have co-hosted with us, and was the person who suggested this new venue in Kent.

The following gangbangs will be held totally by Brett. We have met him and can say he is a nice guy, very genuine, and enthusiastic towards organising sex parties and seems to be very organised.

There's been 3 gangbangs, and we have enjoyed them very much, but it is time to move on.

Brett will be handling the next parties from August 2009, always at the same venue but with a different girl each time, from here onwards.

Thank you to all who came along to my events. Goodbye and God bless. Tom : )